


The Banks of Lethe

by smaragdbird



Series: War Stories [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Remembers, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 11:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15662142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Bucky and Howard were in a relationship during the way and genuinely in love, maybe even planning what to do afterwards but then Bucky died and eventually Howard moved on.When Bucky regains his memories in the future he has to deal with the fact that he killed the man he loved.





	The Banks of Lethe

The memory hit suddenly and without warning. The car. The weight of the pistol in his hand. The sound the car made as it hit the tree. The man crawling out of the wreck. The name of someone who does not exist anymore. Bones giving in under his hits until only an unrecognisable mess is left. The feeling of the woman’s neck as it snaps.

Only they weren’t just some man and woman anymore. They’re Maria and Howard Stark.

Howard Stark.

Howard.

Howard’s eyes finding his in a bar Steve could never know about.

Howard looking at him as if Bucky was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Howard kissing him in a tent in the middle of war zone.

Howard making impossible promises for a time after the war.

“Bucky. Bucky, wake up!” It was Steve’s voice that cut through the screams. Bucky didn’t even realise at first that they were his own. He scrambled off the bed, pushing Steve away, and barely made it to the bathroom before he lost his stomach.

Steve stood next to him, soothingly rubbing his back. They both had experience with doing this, Bucky remembered. Either he had drunk too much or Steve had been ill again.

“Not such a good memory I guess?” Steve asked as he handed Bucky a cup of water.

Bucky shook his head. He didn’t have nightmares anymore, only bad memories. “I killed him”, he whispered hoarsely, wiping the tear tracks from his cheeks.

“Who?”

“Howard. His wife too. Howard....he recognised me. Just before I bashed his head in.”

“But you told Tony that you remember them.”

Bucky gave him a humourless smile. “I thought if I told him that I remembered that we could avoid the fight. Didn’t work. Not that I blame him.”

“But now you remember it?”

“Yeah, not just killing him but a lot of other things too.” He looked at Steve. “We were together. Me and him.”

“What?”

“Me and Howard. I met him in a bar, shortly after the war started. We kept it going up until...well, up until I died.”

“I didn’t know.”

“No one knew. That was the idea.” Bucky smiled weakly. He hoped that Steve wouldn’t ask why he hadn’t told him. There was really no good answer to that question.

“Did you...I mean, did you love him?”

“Yeah”, Bucky said eventually. “I think so. I don’t remember all of it yet. Just bits and pieces.”

“He locked himself in his lab the night after you died. No one saw him for two days.”

“Thanks.” He wasn’t sure if it was what he needed to hear but it probably wouldn’t make anything worse.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Steve asked. He always asked.

And as always Bucky shook his head. The thoughts in his head, the memories he recovered were usually only fragments without context. He couldn’t make sense of them in the privacy of his own mind and talking would only make it worse. T’Challa had kindly given him new pencils and notebooks. Writing was easier than talking. “Go back to bed, Steve.”

Steve lingered for a moment but then he left the bathroom. He didn’t ask if Bucky was sure about his decision. He had quickly learned that Bucky disliked it when someone questioned his choices. Even when it was well meant it felt like an attack against his autonomy.

He stayed on the bathroom floor for a little longer the cool tiles pressing against his skin grounded him in reality before he made his way back to his bedroom. Steve and Sam had the room next door, that was why Steve had heard him screaming.

He always felt a little guilty that he was coming between them so much. He had wanted to figure out his fucked up brain first before going back to Steve. He hadn’t wanted to be dependent on anyone ever again and here he was.

At least not for long anymore. T’Challa had agreed to help him and that for now the safest place for Bucky and those around him was cryo until they figured out a way to get rid of the trigger words.

Switching on the lights next to his bed Bucky grabbed his latest notebook and pencil but before he started writing he leafed through it, looking at some of the older entrances that made sense now. It wasn’t the first time he had remembered Howard but until now he hadn’t known who he had been. In one of the older notebooks that he didn’t have any more he had made an attempt at drawing Howard’s face. Even without knowing his name Bucky had known that he was important.

He wrote quickly, trying to get as many details down as he could. His memories were like shards of ice floating on the ocean, crashing into each other, getting pushed down again only to resurface suddenly and unexpectedly. He never knew what he would remember next or what he would forget again.

He held the pen so tightly his hand started to shake. The letters jumped up and down on the page instead of following the lines. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye as he wrote about Howard’s eyes, about his smile.

Another followed. And another. Soon he was blinded by tears but he did not stop writing. Howard had been important. And he had killed him without even knowing why.

He wouldn’t let himself forget again.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea kicking around in my head since I saw Civil War. 
> 
> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
